Words with the Man
by Fulgour
Summary: Xander, Buffy, Spike and myself chat about life, the universe, and everything. Contains Spuffy bashing, Riley bashing, and really weird humour. Refers to my other stories as well.


Title: Words with the Man 

Rating: M. I used the F word 

Distribution: Take it. Just put my name on it. 

Summary: Buffy, Xander, Spike, and myself chat about fanfic, BS, wrestling, and kicking Riley's ass. 

Thanks goes to: Ozmandayus and Boulder for letting me play with their toys in Joss's play pit 

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At the Magic Box, Buffy and Xander are sitting around talking. There was no dire prophecy, no End of the World demon, so they were kicking back. Until the entire ceiling burst into flame. Where most people would run screaming from the room, this event gained no more reaction from the two than a disinterested sigh. "Here we go again" Buffy muttered, a resigned look on her face. Xander opened his mouth to agree, when the world seemingly swirled in front of him, the scene changing. Unfazed by their teleportation, Buffy walked towards the table in the room they had materialized in, collapsing in a chair. Xander did likewise. Looking around, they took in the sparse room, with a single door in a corner, and a window with a heavy blind. The table was oak, and was surrounded by six chairs. Both sat in silence, waiting for something to happen. Something came in the form of Spike materializing near Buffy. "Here we go a-bloody-gen" Spike muttered, looking around. Catching sight of Buffy, but not seeing Xander, Spike cursed "Oh, great, another bloody Spuffy fan" He snorted in disgust, dropping into another chair, dropping his head back. "No, I think it's cool, since I'm here." Xander offered helpfully. Spike and Buffy both gave a sigh of relief. "Thank god for that" breathed Buffy 

"Its bad enough that crap Joss did, without worrying about those Spuffy fans" Spike shuddered, a move which looked slightly strange on the evil demon, before leaning towards Xander "Xander, you have no idea what they make us do." He whispered with a slightly horrified look on his face. 

"I don't want to know" Xander replied firmly. 

"Oh Buffy, you're the love of my life! Me bleedin' soulmate!" Spike parrots, both he and Buffy gaining a look of disgust on their faces. "I mean, I don't even 'ave a bloody soul!" Spike yells, throwing his hands back in despair. 

"Oh Spike! I love you even though you're an evil demon who I hate and am sworn to kill" Buffy mimics, fluttering her eye lashes melodramatically. 

Buffy looked around, noticing that no one else had materialized. "Guess it's another Xangster" She reported with a sigh (Xander angst fic, for those of you not getting my... Fulgour speak) "What makes you say that?" Asked Xander, puzzled. 

"Please Xand, the only time the three of us are in a fic together is so we can get some quality 'woe is me' for the Zeppo" Buffy answered with a sigh 

"Oh" Answered Xander "and hey! Besides, this could be one of those anti-Xander fics, where the writer runs me down, cause they like Spuffy." 

Buffy acknowledged him with a nod, and the three waited for fallout. And waited. Quickly growing impatient, Spike looked at his watch "Come on, lets get this bloody over with" He mutters. 

"Do we know who's writing this?" Xander asked Buffy. She frowns thoughtfully, 

"I'd say it was someone in either the BX or BS camp, they've both grown a bit... If it's a Bxer, it will have to be someone from outside of the US..."  
"Why do you say that?" Spike asked intrigued 

"Joss has gotten over his temporary insanity, spanked his inner moppet, and he's gone back to being the omnipotent god we all know and love. The Bxers have been appeased" Buffy answered, brushing her hair out of her eyes with a sigh. "On the other hand, in other countries, Spuffy is just starting." Spike looks slightly sick about the prospect of all that again. "BS fans in the US would be getting a bit desperate at this point." 

"You know, I don't understand Spuffy fans" Spike stated, standing up "I mean, here's me, Big Bad, right?" He asked. The other two refrained from commenting as he continued "What kind of twisted joke is it to have you fall in love with me?" Spike snarled "And me in love with you? Bloody hell, its droopy here's job to follow you around like a love sick puppy" Xander nodded proudly before the words got through to him  
"Hey!" 

"Feeling, I've been lost for years..." As the music hit, there was a muted roar from an invisible crowd, and small fireworks went off around the door, as the familiar five foot eleven figure stepped through. Xander brightened up noticeable as he recognized the figure "Fulgour! Good to see you, man!" He said, bouncing to his feet. Fulgour grinned broadly under his mask, and sat on the chair offered to him by Xander. "Mate, I like wrestling as much as the next bloke, but don't you think you're taking it a bit too far?" Spike asks with a smirk "I mean, what the hell is with the song?" 

"The song is from the album, its called Pain (Slayer Mix) Now it's my theme song." Spike stares at the armoured form for a second "Riighhtt" Spike answers, drawing the word out. "I just think..." 

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!" Yells Fulgour, raising an eyebrow, though no one could see it since he was wearing a mask. Spike just sits back shaking his head "Bloody fanfic writers..." 

"Oh great, it's you." Buffy sighed "Sometimes my life sucks."  
"What, I didn't do anything bad to you" Fulgour protested 

"Lets have a look at it, shall we?" Buffy asked heatedly, beginning to tick off her fingers. 

"The Beast Within'. You beat up my mom, then kidnap my sister and feed her to Drusilla"   
"OK 'The Beast Within' was a bad idea. But it was my first fic, and it's been discontinued." Fulgour whined 

"Secondly," Buffy said, ignoring Fulgour "Killer Mortal Street Slayer" She says sarcastically, as Fulgour blushes under his armour "Could we not talk about that fic please?" He mumbled under his breath. Buffy took pity on him, and moved on to the next fic "The Wrath of Hell." She said angrily "Where do I start? First you make me chew out Xander, so I look like a monster, then you have Riley try and kill me, next you kill Riley." She holds up a hand before Fulgour can protest "And that All Good Things is worse!" She yells "I'm being an absolute bitch!" 

"Got that right" Spike mumbles under his breath. Buffy tosses a death glare his way, and he quickly subsides. "At least I'm not making you have sex with Spike" Fulgour rushes to defend himself. "What about that 'Beaten' crap?" Buffy growls. 

"I was just expressing Xander's dislike of that relationship, nothing more" Fulgour assures her "Besides, at least I don't write those NC-17 BS fics" 

All four shudder at that thought. Buffy sits back, mollified. 

"Anyway mate, why are you here?" Spike asks. Fulgour shrugs 

"All fanfic writers write a story like this at some point in their career, this is the pointless but strangely humorous story." 

"Oh" The other three answer, looking around cautiously. They'd had bad experiences with these kinds of fics. In their heightened state, they all jumped when the door swung open. Buffy and Spike immediately took up defensive stances, waiting for whatever it was to enter. More disconcerting was the fact that Fulgour looked surprised. How they knew he was surprised was unknown, as he was, in fact, wearing a mask. Lets just say they could tell from his body language. Although he was wearing full body armour. A head popped around the corner. "There you guys are" He greeted the confused Scoobies ambicially, and walked into the room. The three looked at each other, and shrugged their shoulders. They didn't know him... "What the fuck are you doing here!?" Fulgour yelled, fear in his voice. The old man turned in surprise, before beaming at the armoured writer "Hi, I'm Ess..." 

"Don't even say it!" Commanded a panicked Fulgour. In haste, he grabbed the bemused man by the shoulders, and not so gently guided him back out the door "So nice to see you, been great to meet you, tell Oz... Tell the man I said hi, bye!" With that Fulgour slammed the door, and pressed himself against it, arm spread flat against the wall, looking like a cartoon character. "Damn, that was close." Fulgour sighed, walking back to the table. 

"What was that about?" Buffy asked. The three had sat, half way between bemused and amused. Fulgour wiped sweat off his forehead, before remembering that he was, in fact, wearing a mask, and thus had just created a hole in the plot. "Jeeze, wearing this mask is more trouble than it's worth" He mumbled "How does Kane do it?" 

"Well?" Asked Buffy again 

Fulgour slumped to his seat with a sigh "That was... That guy was a creation of another writer." 

"So?" Spike asked after a short pause 

"So, He can't appear in my fic" Fulgour answered if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

The table was silent for all of five seconds before the three burst out laughing 

"This is no laughing matter" Fulgour said stiffly 

"Do you know how stupid that sounds?" Buffy asked, trying to get her breath back "I mean, you don't own anyone from the Buffy verse either!" 

"No, you don't understand" Fulgour earnestly said. "It's different between Fanfic writers. And this guy..." Fulgour looked around nervously, before leaning forward "Do you know what happened to the last guy that pissed him off?" The other three shrugged, and Fulgour, with another nervous glance around, leaned forward and whispered into Buffy's ear. Buffy turned white and looked at Fulgour in shock "No way!" Fulgour nodded vigorously. Buffy turned even more pale. 

"What?" Spike demanded. Buffy leaned over and whispered into Spikes ear, who gasped, then leaned over and whispered into Xander's ear, who promptly turned green. "Holy crap" Xander exclaimed. 

"Bloody hell, I never even thought that was possible" Spike shuddered. 

Fulgour waved them off "So now you know. Lets get back to the funniness and..." Fulgour was abruptly cut off by a knocking at the door. With a worried glance around, he stood, walked to the door, and opened it a crack. Outside stood three figures. One was the old guy from before, another was an obviously old vampire, and the third was an indiscript man in dark clothes. Fulgour's face paled, although no one could see it cause he had on a mask... "What the hell are you guys doing here?" Fulgour asked in frustration. The old guy shrugged "Shawn's taking so long with the next part of Early Morning (hint hint), that we got bored, and Judas, Bane, and I decided to go for a walk." 

"Well go walk elsewhere!" Fulgour hissed frantically "You're gunna get me in trouble!" Fulgour slammed the door in their faces, and with a bit of writorly power, nailed the door shut. "Ha ha! No one can enter now, you hear me! NO ONE! MWA HA HA HA!" Fulgour screamed, a slightly insane look on his face, which no one can see cause... *sigh*. Buffy and co looked at Fulgour the way one looks at someone seriously discussing the merits of BS. 

"Er, mate, maybe you'd want to sit down" Spike asked gently, a pitying look on his face. Fulgour gently eased into the chair, and released a sigh. "One thing I've learnt is never piss of Bxers" Fulgour muttered with a sigh, before looking up proudly "We hit back" 

"You're not a Bxer" stated Buffy. 

"Yes I am" Fulgour insisted, crossing his arms indignantly 

"Actually, you've never written a BX fic, it's all FX." Argued Xander "Not that I have a problem with Faith..." He trailed off 

"Except for the fact that she tried to kill you" Buffy finished dryly. 

"Well, your a forgiving type, so I..." Fulgour said weakly 

"Made me look like a complete wuss and just forget about what happened." Xander admonished, waggling a finger at Fulgour. 

"Hey! I give you power, respect, and a hot slayer, what more do you want?" Fulgour protested, spreading his arms " 

Buffy!" Xander yelled, suprising the hell out of Spike and Fulgour, while Buffy blushed, and smiled sweetly at Xand. "Well, I," Fulgour stuttered, looking around desperately for a way out. Spikes smirking face caught his gaze. "IT'S SPIKE'S FAULT!" Fulgour announced, dramatically getting to his feet and pointing a finger at the blonde vampire. "What? Me?" Spike protested, looking slightly panicked as the accusing glares of the Scoobys pinned him to his chair. "What did I do?" 

Fulgour smirked as Spike wriggled uncomfortably under the twin glares of Buffy and Xander. "It isn't my fault," Spike yelled, starting to panic as the two start to stalk toward him. "It's, it's..." Spike searched desperately for a way out. His eyes brightened suddenly, as a thought went through his head "BLAME RILEY!" 

Buffy and Xander stopped, thoughtful looks crossing their faces. "You know, that actually makes sense." Buffy admitted slowly. Xander nodded 

"If Riley hadn't left, none of this crap from season six would have happened." 

The four looked at each other. "Riley bashing time!" 

Riley was sitting on a three legged stool, peacefully milking a cow by hand, whistling a jaunty tune. Looking out of the barn, the rich golden colour of the wheat contrasted sharply with the deep blue sky. Riley smiled, completely relaxed. Another day in paradise. Otherwise known as Iowa. After that stuff with Buffy, he had ended up back in the military, and stayed there for a few months, fighting demons in Columbia. It had been brutal, but with the help of his fellow soldiers, he had been able to get over his addiction with vampires. Then he had come home, swearing never to leave again. His family had been glad to see him back, and Mary-Sue, Mary-Jane, Mary-Anne, and Mary-Mary had been hitting on him since he had arrived, but unfortunately, his time in the military had left him with a distaste for incest. He sighed in contemplation. Had he not left home to join the marines, he probably would have a farm of his own by now, nine or ten kids, a tractor, and prime cattle. Mmm, Prime cattle. Riley's grin went dopey as he allowed his mind to drift to the perfect cow. Smiling dreamily still milking the cow, he didn't notice as he began to pull harder and faster on it's teats, as his mind went over the features of a beautiful Angus (A black cow, for the rest of us) his strokes came faster, as his smile got dreamier, until the cow, in discomfort lashed out with a hind leg, hitting Riley square in the face knocking him in the head. Riley fell back with a grunt, managing to upturn the full bucket of milk. "Wow!" Riley gushed, sitting up with an abstract smile, his left eye quickly turning black. 

Buffy, Xander and Spike shook with laughter. "Poor Riley" Xander mocked. 

"Bloody hell, that was a good one mate!" Spike admitted with a grin to Fulgour. 

The jovial silence was broken by loud music "Cut my life in two pieces, this is my last resort!" 

"Who is it bloody now" Spike asked in exasperation, as the door smashed inwards, as green pylons went off, bathing the room in a green light. Through the wreckage of the door, a tall figure wearing a hockey mask walked through. 

"Jeeze, it's another of them" Buffy groaned, as the wrestler stopped a few feet away from the table, and lifted a mike to his mouth "Fulgour, I've had about enough of your crap, and the crap of all the Alliance!" He yelled, temporarily deafening the assorted group around the table from the loudness of the (non existent) speakers. A mixed reaction from the (non existent) crowd of boos and cheers. A referee walked through the doorway, carefully avoiding the masked wrestler, and handed a mike to Fulgour. "Now this is just getting ridiculous" Xander snorted, as Fulgour holds up a hand to the (non existent) crowd, causing the cheering to die down "Who in the blue hell are you?" Fulgour asked. 

"My name is..." 

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!" Fulgour screams, not noticing the Scoobies mimic him, even attempting to raise a single eyebrow, all failing miserably. "I am the most electrifying... Wait, that's someone else's line" Fulgour trails off, scratching his head in confusion. Before remembering that he's wearing a mask which prevents him from doing that. "My name is Viper" The wrestler hissed. The Scoobies looked at each other in confusion 

"Can't remember that one..." Spike admitted, as the others shrugged. Fulgour however, looked in blank shock at Viper 

"I know you!" He announced, his eyes widening in shock, before beginning to chuckle. 

"I'm here to tell you that I'm going to take you down!" Viper shouted, "All it will take... Is a Split Second" He finished, crossing his arms defiantly. Fulgour continued to laugh. The scoobies looked at each other nervously. That was not the chuckle of a sane man "I knew I knew you" Fulgour chuckled, pointing at Viper, who stood his ground. "But you can't be you, we killed your ass" Fulgour whispered sobering suddenly. The Scoobies looked at Fulgour in slight fear, while Viper cautiously backed off half a step. It's not every day you run into a raving psychopath. Fulgour raised the mike to his mouth again, shivering in apparent fear. "There ain't no coming back, there ain't no coming back! THERE AIN'T..." At this, Fulgour broke off, looking down at the mike he was still holding, before looking back up sheepishly "Sorry, I was channelling 'The Crow' there, my bad" The others looked at him dubiously. Crickets chirped loudly. 

"Ah... I'm gunna... go now..." Viper said, slowly backing away. 

"Jolly good show! For King and Country, and all that! Ah ha ha! Tea and crumpets!" Fulgour grinned widely, speaking in a very bad English accent. "... Right." Viper said, before turning and fleeing out of the room. Team ECK was nothing compared to that guy... 

"What?" Fulgour asked the Scoobies, who were looking at him like he was Lucifer. "Why are you looking at me like that?" He complained plaintively. Xander burst out sobbing, dove out of his chair, and wrapped himself around the slayers legs. 

"Make the crazy man go away!" Fulgour looked offended at that remark, while Buffy was sitting in her chair, a deer caught in the headlights expression on her face. Spike was huddled beneath his chair, whimpering quietly to himself. "Look" Fulgour started, before realising that he was still holding the mike, and dropped it in exasperation, causing Xander to jump at the sudden sound. "Was it the accent? I know it was overdone, but he was English!" Fulgour explained exasperated. Spike whimpered louder. "Really, I'm very sane!" Fulgour argued. Buffy had managed to get over her block, and looked at Fulgour suspiciously "Prove it!" She ordered, absentmindedly patting Xander's head. 

"How?" Fulgour asked in confusion 

"Do something an sane person would do" She answered. 

"Something an sane person would do..." Fulgour mused, rubbing the front of his mask - roughly where his chin was located - in concentration. "Something an sane person would do... Ah!" He announced suddenly, causing Spike to jump at the sudden sound, banging his head soundly on the bottom of the solid chair "Ow! Bloody wanker." Spike muttered, crawling out from his haven, his fear apparently forgotten. Fulgour ignored him however, and waved theatrically at Buffy and Xander, who was still wrapped around her legs. 

All of a sudden, Xander released Buffy's legs, but remained on his knees in front of her, gazing into her eyes "Buffy, I've always loved you, from the very first moment I saw you, I knew that you were the one, the only one for me." He whispered in a low, mesmerizing voice, never breaking eye contact. Buffy's own eyes had begun to fill with tears at his heartfelt confession, seeing the emotion in his eyes, she realised that she did love him, had always loved him, but never had the courage to say so. "Xander" She whispered, the emotion in her voice saying more than what she said ever could. Joy filling her, she leaned forward, as Xander gently pressed his lips to hers, and she finally felt complete. 

"There! How's that?" Fulgour asked. Buffy looked around in confusion, as did Xander. "Oh, god Buff, I'm sorry.." Xander blurted out, his face turning red. He'd never meant to ever tell her that... Buffy smiled at him reassuringly, an edge of sadness in her eyes. "What the hell was that?" Buffy snapped at Fulgour, angry that he had... What? Started the BX, or stopped, the BX. Fulgour was looking insufferably pleased with himself. "You said do something only a sane person would do, and that's BX" Fulgour answered. Buffy sighed. It had felt nice, and it's definatly something to think about... 

"It's time for you to go" Fulgour stated. The three Scoobies, now sure of Fulgour's sanity, stood in preparation to leave. "See ya around!" Xander said, gripping Fulgour's gauntlet firmly, before disappearing in a quick flash of light. 

"What the kid said" Spike grinned, shaking Fulgour's hand before following Xander back home. 

Buffy walked up to Fulgour "Fulgour?" Buffy asked, unusually shy 

"Yeah Buff?" Fulgour asked 

"Can you please do a nice BX story?" Buffy asked Fulgour. Fulgour considered for a minute "Please?" The blonde asked, bringing out the big guns - sticking out her bottom lip, she pouted, and looked at him with a pleading look that none, not even Fulgour could resist. "OK, fine" Fulgour admitted defeat with a sigh. Buffy smiled happily, leaning forward, giving Fulgour a quick kiss on his cheek "Bye" She cheerfully waved, disappearing back to the Buffy Verse. 

Fulgour stood stock still for a second. "Buffy kissed me." He whispered, very much stunned. A grin threatened to split his face, and he moved a hand up to touch his cheek that Buffy had graced with her lips - and touched steel. "What the?" Fulgour asked in confusion, before remembering his mask. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" 

Far away, in Iowa, Riley jerked up in surprise, hearing a loud yell. "What the hell was that?" He mused. 

Further away, in London, Giles lost his place on his page. "Of all the..." He muttered, annoyed. This was a library, who was bloody screaming? 

At the seventh layer of hell, Lucifer's head perked up. Although there were screams regularly, that one had been particularly delicious. Full of anger, frustration, and pain. Lucifer chuckled, and went back to planning his evil plans. "I must remind myself to reward the demon that got that scream" He mumbled, looking at his intricate chess board. 


End file.
